This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life but even with this heartbreak, there are a lot of lessons I can learn. Not only am I dealing with the death of my Grandfather, who was like a father to me. I am also dealing with a traumatic breakup now. 

"You were all I wanted but not like this!"

I will not go into the extent of what happened because it is super personal but let's just say I had no choice but to kick my ex out of my house. He lied and ultimately blew it. With that being said this post is inspired by what is working for me so far in my grieving process. I could use all the love and prayers right now. One of the ways I have learned to cope is by writing and therefore here I am processing it. Breakups are never easy but this was light and day. We never fought and he really screwed up. I do not deserve what he put me through. I never thought this would be happening. I honestly think I dodged a huge bullet logically though but that does not make it any easier. 

For one of the first times, I am allowing myself to feel the feelings and not numb out. Losing love of any kind is never easy. I also feel like I lost my best friend. When you go from talking to someone every single day to not at all it is very hard. I got so used to having him in my house and in my bed at night. Now, it is so very quiet in my house. Not only did he screw up he also put me at risk for COVID and risked my safety. He broke my heart in the worst possible time while also grieving the loss of a family member. I am proud of myself though for sticking to my guns and not letting him manipulate me and sticking to my boundaries. Through it all and all the pain I still choose to not let him break me or give up on love. One day, I will find my person. Even though I thought it was him God is just preparing me for someone better and the right person. I honestly have realized the only thing that can make me happy is myself. If I never find (the one) that is okay too. I was fine alone and I will be again eventually. Sometimes, being alone is almost easier. There's no risk of disappointment.

Ways that have helped me deal with this grief and breakup:

1. I have been listening to my Love Hurts playlist on Spotify. Music is everything to me and how I heal in many situations.

2. Cleaning my house up and down, doing laundry, trying to distract myself by doing something productive. Plus, my house could always use some deep cleaning. Projects of any kind are a lifesaver.

3. Self-care period. I took a hot shower last night and it honestly really helped. Taking a hot bath or doing like a mini spa session in your house helps. Paint your nails, do a face mask. Anything to make you feel extra comfort.

4. Take advantage of all the time you have to yourself now. I am really focusing on my college work now and bettering myself. Get errands done and things that you have been putting off. Try to be as productive as possible.

5. Watch some trash tv or a funny movie. I watched the Housewives of Beverly Hills last night and it really helped. It is mindless trash tv and I instantly felt better and it made me laugh.

6. Talking to my family and other support systems. I even reached out to my therapist. Positive support systems are everything. You do not have to go through this alone. There is always someone out there that will listen or care.

7. Eat some comfort food. Remember to take care of yourself. You come first. Your essential needs are important. Make sure you continue to eat, sleep the best you can, and drink. I will admit I am not doing that well with this right now because it is so raw but I am making an effort.

8. Curling up with a good book. Escaping this reality. 

9. Journaling or writing out your feelings. I always turn to writing in times like these. AKA THIS BLOG POST.... It is a positive way to cope.

10. Reach out to old friends. I am surprised at how many people have already reached out to me. People truly care.

11. Give yourself a new look. I honestly am thinking about getting a haircut. Another self-care situation.

12. Shop therapy buy yourself something that you have been wanting. Do not go overboard since you are sensitive right now but treat yourself to a new book or something smaller. Do not do unhealthy shopping is all I am saying. Do not buy anything that you cannot afford.

13. Block your ex on all social media and get rid of all reminders. Delete photos etc. You do not need to see that. Get rid of all his stuff so you do not have to look at it anymore.

14. Throw yourself into work, your career, or schoolwork. Thank god, I have college work right now to keep me distracted. Plus, it is something positive that is bettering myself.

15. Cuddling with my fur babies. They know I am upset and animals give the best unconditional love. I honestly do not know what I would do without my dog and cat now. Plus, I have them to sleep next to me now and hug. I have been getting a lot of kisses from both of them.

16. Going for a walk and spending time outside in the sunshine. I plan on taking my dog on a lot of walks. It is good for me and her. Plus, getting fresh air really does help.

17. Writing out my gratitudes and what I am thankful for. Even with all the heartbreak I still have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes, writing those out reminds you of what you still have.

18. Allow yourself to cry and feel your emotions. Go through the normal process of grief healthily. It is okay to not be okay. Remind yourself that.

19. Set achievable goals to better yourself. This will help to move on. Plus, you are just becoming stronger and stronger by going through this situation. 

20. Remind yourself you can do anything. I have been talking to myself out loud saying affirmations the last 24 hrs and it is honestly helping. Soon, eventually, you will start to believe those affirmations. Remind yourself you still have a future and a lot ahead of you to look forward to.

I am sure as time goes on I will find more things that work for distracting myself and getting over this hurt but I am taking this one day at a time and feeling all the feels. Even though it is incredibly painful. A broken heart is the most painful thing that I have ever felt before. It never truly goes away and when you loved someone so deeply part of you will always have feelings towards them but ultimately I know I am strong and will get through this eventually. I was okay before him and I will be okay after him eventually. Please, keep me in your prayers during this time.